This week, I reached my own personal breaking point. I’ve covered the occasional trials and tribulations of ANU before, but not so much the lasting impression on me. While my plans fell apart around me, and I couldn’t find any help, I sank to a low point: I lost motivation to act, my schedule went out the window, and I mentally fell apart.
After 5 months of that, it doesn’t simply snap back into place. I’ve spent much of the summer the same way – disillusioned and lost. My view of the world is fairly negative at the moment. I treat all politicians with distrust and disdain; I question the point behind any action; while I pine for those simple and happy moments I enjoyed in the past. I missed friends, I missed not having to worry about my degree, I missed the feel of innocent happiness that ANU took away from me.
I didn’t know where my mind was. I still don’t, really. However, I have started to turn the corner. Maybe it was because I made a big step towards getting my degree back on track. Maybe my mourning period with ANU has officially finished. I don’t know. All I know is, I have fresh resolve to get myself back on track. I miss having purpose to get up in the morning, I miss looking forward to learning about new Maths, and eagerly anticipating new lectures. I miss being an active person.
I know I can’t change myself overnight, but I want to start making steps towards it. I have fresh resolve to pick up on all my unfinished projects, and take them to their conclusions. I want to start getting up on a morning again, and giving myself the whole day to be productive. I want to go out, running, and get my fitness back. Will it be easy? I don’t know. So far, all I’ve done is tidied my room and wrote a to-do list. I suppose it’s a start.
This morning, I decided to follow a positive route and do something fun. I went to a raceway and watched some cars drive around a track for 5 hours. I had fun, even if it was quite wet. Perhaps I can fly as high as them…
I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my blog. Point #4 on the to-do list is to redesign it. Maybe I’ll rebrand it and start to share it with more vigour. My attention span is far too short to maintain any kind of topical blog, but never mind. It won’t go down though, I need this space to vent. Every so often, I think I’m being philosophical. Is it better to not do things and maintain the status quo, or do something that could hurt you and others around you? I’ve spent a while looking at the past now, but I’d rather look to the future. The answer to the question? I don’t know. I don’t think it’s important. All these ‘philosophical questions’ are tied into such a specific set of circumstances that it’s impossible to ask them. Que sera, sera. Live life for the moment, just like car 22. Having attempted the jump once, and still not ruined his engine, he pestered the marshalls into letting him have another go. Totally worth it.
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